getting kids to listen and hear

What you say: "You're the best!" What they hear: "Your job in life is to make me happy." A better way to say it: "You should be proud of how hard you worked." For years, we've been told that boosting a child's self-esteem is important to his or her success in life. But child experts are now learning that too much praise can backfire. Praise-aholic tykes who expect it at every turn may become teens who seek the same kind of approval from their friends when offered a joint or asked if they want to go in the backseat of the car. The implication of saying "You're the prettiest girl in class," or talking about the goals she scored but not her overall effort, is that you love her only when she looks the best, scores the highest, achieves the most. And this carries over to the classroom. Social psychologist Carol Dweck, PhD, tested the effects of overpraise on 400 fifth graders while she was at Columbia University. She found that kids praised for "trying hard" did better on tests and were more likely to take on difficult assignments than those lauded for being "smart." "Praising attributes or abilities makes a false promise that success will come to you because you have that trait, and it devalues effort, so children are afraid to take on challenges," says Dweck, now at Stanford University. "They figure they'd better quit while they're ahead." For more information on getting kids to listen go to www.getkidstolisten.com